Long story short.
I burnt a 20mhz bootloader onto my attiny85, it worked, but then it stopped working completely, so I placed
a 20mhz crystal as explained and the smallest ceramic caps i could find!
Still dead, So I went out to jaycar, picked up 2 27p ceramic caps, placed them in series with the outputs of the crystal and into the 2 pins, viola it all works!
Great, but my damn annoying inquisitive side of me nature springs alive!!!... So i've been sitting here for 20 minutes wondering how it works!
A voltage is passed to the crystal and turned off, the crystal then UN-distorts back to it's original shape sending out a pulse, how does that affect the capacitor and the roles they play back to the Arduino Pins that have the xtal across them?
what precisely is going on here, I took my multimeter and switched to hertz, placed one probe on one of the crystal pins, and then the other to ground and I got the arduino doing ever increasingly slower osccilations until it hit around 2 - 1 hz and it crashed

- reboot later the might attiny85 was back!
i'm trying to imagine how the electrons pass both in and out, anyone know a windows circuit emulator which shows the current / voltage path of the electrons like AllCircuits i think it's called for Android? but in Windows? - there's no crystal to select from sadly, i need a more complex designer...
Thanks... (in other words, how does the crystal do it's job and what are the role of the caps, i've googled it, it just made it worse)