i think i was accidentally combining both methods listed in the tutorial you linked to resistor between reset and 5v and the capacitor between reset and ground.
Which reminds me: A few folks have reported having to use both a resistor and a a capacitor to disable auto-reset.
and for the capacitor . . . my wife always tells me that size doesn't matter so i was just going off of that
maybe i should rethink . . lol
There is a minimum size and I believe 0.2 uF is below the minimum. Your wife is correct as long as you meet the minimum requirement.
also am I correct that if using an arduino uno rev 3 that i DO NOT need to disable any auto-reset
MAY NOT. I have a R2 board that works very well without having to disable auto-reset. Presumably, an R3 board should work just as well.
The best plan is start with a capacitor (and/or a resistor) to disable auto-reset. Once you have that working, test without the capacitor (resistor).
I really do appreciate all the help
You are welcome.