The solution here screams "open collector"
Of course all of us with 20 years or more electronics experience know what you mean and have experienced that feeling but I don't think the OP appreciates that comment as much as the rest of us. A low tech option for people who should never be seen with a soldering iron in their hand (because of the disaster that would result: see photo)
is a small arduino friendly 5V relay board that can be easily interfaced with jumpers. They come in the 4-relay variety.
4-relay module