this is what makes My days interesting.
LOL indeed... and I'm not far behind. I'd suggest backing up a bit and verify all the criteria required to upload to one of the UNO's first. IE: is the proper board selected, is the proper port selected? I know that seems redundant, but I've trapped myself many times with simple slip-ups. Try uploading a simple sketch like "blink". Forgive me if you've done all this, but with the thread getting longer, it's hard to keep track.
There are multiple instructionals out there to load bootloaders, if you google, you should be able to find one. That being said, if you use a breadboard setup for interconnecting, I can say that has been one of my major sources of problems.
Review my last post regarding IDE ver's 1.8.9 and 1.8.7. Now I haven't seen any strangeness with the UNO but I have with Pro-mini's and Nano's. Do you have access to an older IDE to try?