If you have a TTL serial cable (~MAX232) you might try that and bypass the FTDI chip when loading. This works for me. Just connect Tx, Rx, Gnd, and VCC. You won't get a reset that way. It might be better than trying to cluge the reset pin.
It's a shame that this reset issue isn't mentioned in the Arduino ISP docs or sketch. It's essential that a reset shouldn't take place when loading a sketch using the Arduino ISP. /rant