IDE 1.8.5 crashes on start up win 7

I forgot that there is a bug that causes the IDE to still try to access the Documents/Arduino folder even when in portable mode:

Which makes portable mode not the workaround I thought it might be.

Try running the Arduino IDE beta build in portable mode to see if it works:
http://www.arduino.cc/en/Main/Software#beta

This person's solution to the same error concurs with my theory of the cause:

j-luc:
[SOLVED] It was my bad, I messed up moving My Documents to the HDD such that the registry entries for My Documents, ... were pointing to the DVD (which was empty). Hence the "not ready" error message. Pointed everybody back to the HDD and all was well.