Got a tiny PCB from radioshack yesterday and got everything soldered up. It finally works! Well, almost.
But I'm so happy I could cry, this has been driving me nuts. Even though it's my fault for buying such a cheap breadboard, you can guarantee the company I bought it from is going to get a very descriptive letter on where they can shove their breadboards.
The only issue I'm running into now, and it may not even be an issue, is the LED on the breadboard. Something I've noticed after I upload the program is the little orange LED labeled 'TX' glows a solid orange, but when I open the serial monitor the LED blinks with each second, is this just the Arduino telling me it's interfacing with a computer, or is it more indicative of a running program?
Edit: Nevermind, just read the Arduino tutorial on RX and TX, thanks again for your help everybody! You've all been fantastic, I really can't thank you enough.