I'm not great at Googling stuff, and looking at a wall of words written by a man in California three years ago just isn't the same as talking to people.
I think what I'm going to do is grab a bunch of TSOP38238 modules or something similar and mount like forty of them to a custom PCB at a distance of half an inch away from each other. They will all share an output, power, and ground pin. I will then put some frosted acrylic or glass in front of them at a distance of 2cm or so to diffuse the laser light just a bit, so that the diffused beam will hit one or more of the receivers. Mirrors will be mounted inside this frosted acrylic/glass box so that even if the laser comes in at a massive angle, it will diffuse, reflect off the mirror, and make contact with an IR receiver.
The problem is that the laser might hit two IR modules at once. What happens then? Will it read twice? I'll have to do some testing.