SirNickity:
Hehe.. Maybe an Intel Edison would be your ticket.
IIRC, the Galileo board that has the Edison chip and runs the Arduino libraries has some fairly high power requirements that would make it undesirable for mobile apps that need to run off of batteries. Lets see you will need a 5 volt battery (easily doable) that can put out 3 amps of power (much harder to find).